


With you, all the way

by halflingmerry



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Childbirth, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, explicit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 05:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20148598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halflingmerry/pseuds/halflingmerry
Summary: A short standalone: inner monologue





	With you, all the way

**Author's Note:**

> I just got this mental image and thar she blows. I wanted Cassian to be more actively involved than I usually see male characters being, while still making it _Jyn's_ perspective, her experience, 'cause it friggin' is. Apologies for everything I get wrong!
> 
> EDIT: It's very possible that I wrote this in part as a coping mechanism after reading chapter 5 of [fulcrumstardust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulcrumstardust/pseuds/fulcrumstardust)'s brutal and exquisite "[1653 Days Without Luck](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323313/chapters/46862941)". I recommend!

She lay with her back against his chest, her head thrown back on his shoulder, her hands alternately clutching his hands and his knees on either side of her; her legs braced, body so heavy, chest heaving and sobbing for breath.

He held her tight, kissing her face, her neck; whispering updates and affirmations; his shoulders curved inward around her; his hands always moving, now pushing back her hair, now pressing and rubbing the anguished small of her back, now returning her bonecrushing grip with a gentle one, now holding her belly or legs, now (always with her permission, never taking it for granted just because it had been granted before) moving between her legs, following up the membrane sweep and hopefully aiding dilation and occasionally, between agonies, even yielding a bit of contrast; relief.

She didn't want anyone else. She'd barely wanted to be in Medical. Up to her, she'd do this in their private quarters and not let anyone else near. She had wondered if once the pain hit she'd change her mind, become animalistic and desperate for anyone to make it stop. Instead, it had hit her the way pain always did: made her want to withdraw to the relative safety of isolation. (Only Cassian. He'd become the exception long ago and him, she'd keep close.)

But it was Cassian who entreated they go where she could be monitored technologically, not just by his (scared shitless) inexpert techniques, and have someone standing by should anything go wrong. Talked it through weeks ago, not waiting for her debate skills to be compromised.

She'd agreed but still hated every time the medic stooped to check between her legs. No, she was too exposed, too vulnerable, too violated by what was happening from inside out, this was _her_ and _hers_ and no one was welcome there except Cassian with her consent…

One good thing about _not_ being in their quarters, she distantly thought: she didn't have to worry about all the _fluid._ The awful thick ocean that seemed inexhaustible flowing out of her, soaking everything beneath her (including Cassian), would surely stain and reeked of blood; her sweat coating her like it never had even in her worst times of fear; and the tears streaming down—not her face but Cassian's. It was the first time even she'd seen him cry.

He would never say it. He was there for _her._ He would never make it about himself. But she could feel him thinking it. _Why can't I protect her why can't it hurt me instead this is too much she's suffering I can't bear can't I take it for her Jyn is amazing she won't die she won't die but gods please please…_ She knew because it was the sort of thing she'd be thinking if he was the one who hurt so bad.

She wondered if she would have accepted chemical relief if the option were available. If some test result she didn't understand hadn’t led to the conclusion that it was risky and she'd instantly said, _Don't use it, then._ She’d been preparing herself, anyway, for some disaster to strike, timing to be horrible, and she'd end up having to give birth in a transport or trying to stay quiet in the shadow of Imperials or something, because that was _always_ how her life went. Somehow, that wasn't what was happening. And thank the Force because, while she refused to scream, she didn't know if she could have stayed silent.

And because, for all the times and situations where she'd had to, she suddenly couldn't imagine doing this alone. Without him.

"You're doing good, Jyn," the medic offered before Cassian shushed them. She'd made it clear, but a medic was always going to fall back on their own autopilot. She didn't want to be told she was strong or resilient or a fighter or doing good or any such pressuring gundark, and she definitely didn't want to hear her own name. She couldn't reconcile any of this with her ideas of herself. All she could do was get through it and worry about such thoughts when—

She broke her own determination not to scream. She pressed her face into Cassian's neck, weeping, wanting so badly just to be held by him and _sleep…_ The exhaustion was even more astonishing than the pain. He was weeping with her but kept his support and embrace of her steady and strong. Then the medic was saying something. And then—

_ **Force!…—!—** _

The worst pain yet.

Then, just like that, relief. Release from the crushing pressure, an outpour of everything impossibly left inside her; and she fell boneless into Cassian's chest and arms, and let herself properly cry. Because suddenly she realized this wasn't an end at all. And she was afraid to open her eyes to the new beginning.

More talking, somewhere very far away from her. The medic, maybe another medic who wasn't supposed to be there but had come to help anyway, a droid or computer giving readings… but not Cassian. His face was pressed to hers, closed eyes, and lips murmuring, "You did it. You're safe. It's done."

But then yes, he was talking to the others as well. And then his hand was brushing back her hair, again, cupping her face, and he whispered, "Hey… want to look?"

She shook her head into his neck. The best partisan soldier was nowhere to be found: right now she just shivered and sobbed. One of his arms tightened around her. The other… left her.

_What?!_ That, when nothing else could, finally got her to turn her face away from his skin and open her eyes.

In his other arm, he was suddenly holding… a… thing. Nothing she could recognize. And though he held her one-armed as firm and tight as before, he was also angling her toward it.

She wasn't honestly sure, to her own shame, she would have for the medics. For him, she opened herself at last and reached out.

Cassian transferred the bundle to her arms; returning his emptied arm now to hold her, completing the circuit: his arms around hers around the child.

And where, before, Jyn wasn't sure she could ever open her eyes again, now she thought she would never close them. She would never stop staring at this child. Their child. Her child. She looked, stunned and searching, needing him more than she ever had before, at Cassian. His eyes gave her the universe and he bent to kiss her face. It gave him no pause that under his lips she was coated with their sweat and tears and yeah blood (how’d that get there his shaking steady hands it’s okay don’t fear anymore it’s okay). Jyn whispered her _yes_ with the touch of his lips, leaned deeper into him, pressing her forehead to his neck like a return kiss. And she gathered the child in her arms closer, pressing to her own chest as she pressed herself to Cassian's, feeling herself between them: Cassian and the baby, her team, her people, her family. And Jyn Erso, still crying, _laughed._ Suddenly, there was no problem reconciling anything.


End file.
